The Big Move

Today marks my first day using WordPress, as of now all of my blog posts will be posted there along with all posts and comments I imported from here.

Get to my new blog here myhurtishope.wordpress.com

Marriage

The big M word. Something that is sometimes so often misunderstood and complex, particularly by people like me. Which is fair enough, marriage is something I probably won't experience for a while now. But I think it's really vital that I understand how important marriage is before I even think about getting into a relationship with a guy (I feel like that's not the right word, 'guy' seems degrading, a 'guy' that I would fall in love with and want to commit myself to in relationship is someone who would be more of more value to me than just some 'guy').

Last week my church pastor gave a talk at the Uni evangelical students Bible talk about Marriage and divorce. He shared on Mark 10:1-12, in which some Pharisees asked Jesus (but were blatantly testing him) about divorce and if it's of the law. Jesus replies that even though Moses permitted a man to divorce his wife, this does not apply to marriage now, that marriage is sacred because of the man leaving his family to be with his wife and so forth.

There are two things that my pastor said really struck a chord within me and they're both things that I want to hold tight to within my life, for my future relationships.

The first, 'marriage is the strength of commitment towards each other, not the strength of attraction'. I think it's pretty obvious what he's saying here, but I guess to me it means that there needs to be a greater purpose in my future relationship with a guy. That being with someone isn't meant to be about whether or not we are attracted to each other, but how committed we are towards each other. Attraction, inevitably, does not mean strength of a relationship. Attraction is not what's going to get me and my future partner through times where we may disagree with each other or when one of us is feeling sad or angry. It's all going to depend on how much my future partner and I are willing to commit to each other under God's love, no matter the circumstances, because that is what will get us through our fights, our roller coasters and our sad times etc.

The second really cool thing my pastor said was that 'marriage is protected by making it more expensive'. What this means for me personally is that I need to keep the sacredness of marriage so that it is something that neither me or my future husband will back out of later down the track. The more we make marriage important and something that is God-given, the more chance that our marriage is something that will last. Because that's what marriage is, a bonding that cannot be broken.

God warns us against divorce, firstly because it's breaking a vow, the vow that you promised to be with your partner no matter what. And secondly because all breakups are inevitably messy. Each time a relationship is broken up, a piece of you gets left behind and that's something I know too well of. Even in relationships that don't end up in marriage, there is definitely some unfortunate process of losing a little bit of yourself.

But I guess, positively, I want to say that through all this and through my experiences I know that when I get married, it will be to the right person and at the right time. The right time that is in God's plan for me. I know that God's teaching me that I need to be taking a more serious perspective of marriage and that marriage isn't what I thought it is a year ago.

Much apologies for the essay this post turned out to be. It's becoming something that's really important to me, especially when it's been a dream and desire of mine to be married and raise a family in Christ's love.

Memories can be so vivid

Isn't it funny how some memories from our pasts can seem so vague, yet some seem so clear?

I was just remembering my first night at a youth group I wanted to check out. It was a 'Big Night In' and it was the first time I ever experienced and played DDR (Dance Dance Revolution), which I late got hooked on. I remember being so excited about going not only because it would a whole new group of faces for me but also was my end of week celebration because I got back from a grueling 4 day hiking school camp in the Flinders Rangers.

I guess that night is so memorable because that is when I started making real connections with other Christians within my community and when I started realizing I needed to be a bit more real in my faith.

My Hurt is Hope

For a long time my blog has always been under the one Karina coined term "K-logged Up". But I think, especially recently, I feel like my blog is not mine but it is the pain, hope and praise that comes from my heart, all of my words belong to God. Just like my life is not my own, but it is God's.

So recently I changed it to "Berura", which I think means Karina in Hebrew. But there is a very big chance that that's incorrect, so today I lead myself to change my url once again. After going through a lot of Switchfoot lyrics I couldn't find anything that was available, but then I though initially what I want everything in my blog to be about stuff that comes from the heart. So, "My Hurt is Hope" it is. All throughout my life I think all of the things I have gone through, God has been present (even when I couldn't feel him there) and he turns all my brokenness, pain and hurt to hope. Hope that I can share with others.

That is all.

Just Something Quick

Sorry about my up and down-ness of these past couple of months. Healing doesn't always mean that I'll have a 100% okay day every day. So sometimes I just have to deal with it and pray that God takes me through.

I just wanted to say quickly before I hop into bed that even though these next 12 months or less or so are going to hold lots of hard times and times where I want everything I desire just to fall at my feet I want to still have a healthy prayer life, it's so important to be continuous with my walk and talk with God everyday so that I might do His will. Even if that means I'm not involved in youth ministry just yet or unavailable to drive a car independently or being okay with my status of singleness. All of these things I think I am pretty okay with right now, I need time to grow in love, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control. These are the things I need in my life more.

By the way, if you are someone who reads this blog regularly or even once off, I wouldn't mind a comment or two (anonymously if you feel you need to, even), in fact I like them a lot! Reading them encourages me so and reminds me that there are people with loving words that would wrap me up everytime I need a hug.

Reckless Ride

Survived my first week of lectures for my Youth Work degree, one down and another hundred or so to go. It was actually pretty good, I did feel a little overwhelmed at looking at all of the papers I will need to complete this semester but in all reality it won't be so bad because they are spread out. I guess they just look kind of daunting when I read them on my subject outlines, all crammed together. My eyes read three or four 1,000-2,000 word assignments and the instant thought I have in my head is "HOW AM I GOING TO DO ALL THIS?".

This next coming week is when we dive into the first of the topics we are looking into and have our first tutorial groups. To be honest, I'm feeling a little stressed and unprepared about it but I'm sure I'll come out of the last lecture I have, on Wednesday, and breathe a sigh of relief.

I've had a bit of a down couple of days. Still feeling like the hurt from things that happened over half a year ago and feeling hopeless and weak because I still hurt. I don't understand why it still hurts. Perhaps it's because I still have too many memories of the past, memories that once made me happy and that now make me sick to think about. I feel like it's this never ending pain, that even though I never want to go back there, I still feel this complete heart ache to relive those moments in time that once made me happy. I am spending more time with God and enjoying being around people I love but the pain always hangs around me like a small cloud I feel like I can never be rid of.

I want to get out of this crap hole I fell into.

I am worn out from my groaning. All night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. Psalm 6:6 NIV

Thankful Tuesday

It seems I skipped last week, though technically I was busy with orientation for uni and then hanging out with people and doing more IRL stuff got in the way.

This week I am thankful for:
Hugs

It seems such a simple and small thing to give to someone but to someone that might be having a rough week or just generally feels a bit unloved it can mean a lot. I think I take hugs for granted, so sometimes I forget to hug people and then I regret it after because what would happen if they died the next day or I never saw them again because they move away or they decide that they don't want to talk to me anymore?

I miss getting hugs from certain people because they were the kind of people that I could stand and hug for ages and it not feel awkward or they just had the most perfect hugs because the way we fit.

I feel so silly at times when I feel like it's awkward hugging someone because I'm not sure how long we should hug before it gets weird and then it just ends up being an average hug because all I keep thinking in my mind is "OH this hug is amazing, I want to stay here forever. But I better break away before it gets too weird!". I hope I let go of this fear soon because I would like longer hugs, I feel like I don't get them enough.

Anyway, overall I think hugs are pretty amazing and they are possibly one of the greatest forms of comfort and I really like that people will give of them so much when I need a good old bear hug. I also enjoy hugging others to let them know I'm there for them and that God still loves them. I think they are such a really lovely blessing from God.

Is it enough?

Too many times, of recent and as of old, I've seen people putting too much reliance on the things of the world. Even people that claim to be Christian, you and I, rely on things so much and we don't realize it. We get up each day; we check our Facebook, email and other social networks online, we see our boyfriends, girlfriends or those people we spend time with everyday, we go to our job to get paid or study so we we have a purpose to our lives. But do we ever stop and think about what's more important in our lives?
Is checking your Facebook notifications more or less important than getting into reading on God's word...?
Is seeing our boyfriend, or girlfriend, more or less important than embracing God's love and trusting him...?
Is getting paid in money more or less important than giving of our time to God...?
What is more important, God or things of our daily lives? When do we stop and give the things of our lives over to God, praising him for these blessings to us?
Do we ever be thankful that we we have internet, that there is a safe roof over our heads, that there are a bunch or mass of people that care about us, or that we get the privileged of eating nutritious food or drinking clean water?

Do we ever stop relying on the things of the world and directing our eyes to the Lord, that GAVE us all these things? Since WHEN did all of these things become more important than God, so much that God's love becomes something we talk about only sometimes? WHY don't we remember that it is because of God's love that we have these things, if God's love should be that important and ENTIRELY significant as that, then why don't we remember and give thanks to him each day?

/rant

Just a lot of pent up anger I've had about crappy attitudes towards being a Christian, even my own. So much I forget that I have a love in my heart that was GIVEN to me of no expense except that a life was sacrificed so that I may know the magnitude of his love and have all of my crappy attitude problems paid for!

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.
- Ephesians 2:8-10 (ESV)

The Year of the Lord's Favor

This evening I had the honor of spending some fellowship time with some amazing people that I wish I could spend more time with. A lovely lady named Hannah shared some stuff on Isaiah 61, stuff that really resonated with me in my own heart. Verse 10 was particularly spoken about, God clothes us with garments of salvation and robes of righteousness. What I got from this is that even when I count my own self unworthy, God still thinks I am worthy enough to be saved from my own self. Did you get that? God thinks WE are worthy enough to be saved through Christ, who shed his blood on the cross for all of the sin in our lives. It seems such a cliche thing but it really isn't and it's something that shouldn't be taken for granted, as we so often do at times. God's love is a thousand times, an infinity times, beyond anything I could ever imagine, because he sacrificed to save my soul, your soul, their soul. Every one.
It just blows my mind and makes me want to love in explosive love at times.

Another thing that really hit me hard tonight is that God still needs to heal my brokenness. I think I've fooled myself and somehow put up a mask to tell myself and others that I am okay. I think I am okay in some parts and I know I'm growing in God, but my heart still feels weary every now and again because of a memory or a thought or seeing other people being completely happy and in love. But it's so hard for me to be vulnerable around people, when they ask me HOW are you going, how are you REALLY going. It makes me feel sick that I've gotten to this stage where I skip over the raw wounds of my broken life and just open up the really great parts of my life to others. If I have done that to you, I am sorry. I am sorry for not being as honest or open as I should be with you. I hope I find the strength I need through God to open up my heart a little bit more to people I love. Dammit, now I'm making myself cry.

Anyway, I hope and pray to be continuing in my healing so that every part of my life may be used for God's glory as described in chapter 61.

The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to bring good news to the poor;
he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim liberty to the captives,
and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;
to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor,
and the day of vengeance of our God;
to comfort all who mourn;
to grant to those who mourn in Zion—
to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;
that they may be called oaks of righteousness,
the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified.
- Isaiah 61:1-3 (ESV)

Thankful Saturday

It's World Nutella Day today, did you know that? Which also means that it's been a year and three days since I took a one way red eye flight from Adelaide to Brisbane.

All the memories I remember from World Nutella Day make me feel slightly depressed. But I want to be thankful and I guess what I want to be thankful for is that God brought me through 2010.

Words cannot express how much I am thankful from my heart for God being with me through every day in the roller coaster ride that was 2010. I think the best I can do is be thankful by this picture. It may not mean much to anyone, but to me it reminds me of a most amazing sunset, and I guess what I've learned through sunsets/sunrises is that no matter where you are in the world they are always there and they are always going to happen, even if you can't see them at times. In Hawaii I witnessed one of the most breath-taking sunsets and in Queensland they still took my breath away, as much as they do anywhere in Adelaide. God is like sunsets and sunrises, doesn't matter where you are or what you are doing, God is always there and he is constant. At times last year it felt like I was completely alone and that there was no hope, but God was still there and showed me that there was light at the end of the tunnel and there was peace at the end of a storm.

Silence

Over the past week and a bit God's been really convicting me to spend more time in silence, in pure silence. No computer, no phone, no music, just quiet and stillness.

Last night I spent several hours down at Secliff Beach playing with lights and long exposure on a friend's camera, but for a few minutes I walked towards the sea and stood ankle deep in the water. Gentle waves were coming in and breaking on the shore but I was amazed at how still everything seemed. I wanted to spend forever there, I would have spent a whole night there if it was possible.

I feel like I need more of that kind of silence in my life, where I just stop worrying about what's going on and spend however long I need to in silence and listen to God's heart. Too many times I think I have the expectation that I need to talk about my problems to God and that will just solve everything, but it doesn't work like that. I keep thinking it over and over in my head and I've realised that by doing that I put my own needs before God's needs, whinging did not get the Israelites to the land God had promised, it makes me selfish. He wants me to still my soul, to give all my burdens to him and to find what he wants for me, and what he wants to speak to me about, by being silent.

Come, behold the works of the LORD,
how he has brought desolations on the earth.
He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
he burns the chariots with fire.
"Be still, and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!"
The LORD of hosts is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
- Psalm 46:8-11, ESV

Two Posts in One Night

Because I am cool like that and my holidays are quickly disappearing from my current life, which quite frankly is probably best for me since I have become quite lazy.

I think this would be a good chance to talk about my holidays, I've just been staring at this post with only that first paragraph for the past 10 minutes and not really knowing what to talk about.

My holidays, overall, have been pretty amazing. I think I took them for granted way too much but all in all I enjoyed them to full extent. My holidays didn't really have an official start, I left my course with Scripture Union in Queensland in September-ish and pretty much bummed around for a very long time after going on a short vay-cay to Brisbane. I regret for the amount of laziness I let myself get into, with the exception of volunteering at Schoolies weekend and getting my uni application sent in November. I don't think I got a whole lot done in those 2 to 2 and a half months to be honest, shamefully.

Christmas and New Years came around and I think that's when my motivation boot kicked me up my backside. I got out a bit more and did a lot of reading and lessened my hours spent on the internet. Start of January I got to spend another glorious week by the Murray River with friends and family. We've spent annual trips there for over a decade but I never get sick of it. Renmark is such a beautiful place and it's good to be away from the city for a little while.

Since my lazy break I've decorated my bare bedroom walls a bit, had my two best friends from Queensland visit me and started to get into spending more time with God. I'm really glad that I've had this sudden burst of motivation to read the Bible and spend some time just not doing anything except marveling God's love. In the past I would start reading a book of the Bible but then miss one day of reading and never get back into it, but now I think I have a real desire to actually read the Word every day. It's cool.

Next week I start my journey with my degree in Social Science (Youth Work) and I'm genuinely looking forward to not knowing where it's going to take me. I need to go into this school year with no expectations so that God can use me and talk to me and teach me in ways I would never imagine. God gave me this passion for youth work for a reason and I'm going to find out what that is.

Filled with overflowing joy

Make A Joyful Noise To The Lord
A Psalm
Oh sing to the Lord a new song,
for he has done marvelous things!
His right hand and his holy arm
have worked salvation for him.
The Lord has made known his salvation;
he has revealed his righteousness in the sight of the nations.
He has remembered his steadfast love and faithfulness
to the house of Israel.
All the ends of the earth have seen
the salvation of our God.

Make a joyful noise to the Lord, all the earth;
break forth into joyous song and sing praises!
Sing praises to the Lord with the lyre,
with the lyre and the sound of melody!
With trumpets and the sound of the horn
make a joyful noise before the King, the Lord!

Let the sea roar, and all that fills it;
the world and those who dwell in it!
Let the rivers clap their hands;
let the hills sing for joy together
before the Lord, for he comes
to judge the earth.
He will judge the world with righteousness,
and the peoples with equity.

- Psalm 98, ESV

Time for everything

God loved me enough to make me realise that even if all things in my life become nothing but crumbles and disasters, he is still there and is the rock I can stand on. He is my source of strength, life, love and hope.

He brings me through trials and tribulations so that I may not only be built up in love but to also rely on Him wholeheartedly.

It amazes me how much everything in my life was planned out accordingly, even though at times I feel like it's all over the place, he put circumstances in my life at just the right time. Just as much as the times of comfort God gives me are placed at the right points of my life, so are the downfalls.

Patience is something that I am becoming to understand but also forever trying to get a grip on, because God will place the desires of my heart when the time is right.

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven" (Ecclesiastes 3:1, ESV)

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Now playing: Switchfoot - Enough To Let Me Go
via FoxyTunes

Thankful Wednesday

I think as life has been pretty up and down as of lately, I need to not worry about if things are not playing out how I would expect and sometimes I feel down in a ditch. I want to be continuously thankful for all the things God has given me. So one day a week I will be posting something I want to praise God for.

My life.
I don't deserve it, but God breath life into me so that I may do things for his glory.
He has brought me through so much already and I am glad that he has. I think ultimately I need to be thankful for my life everyday, that God has given and will give me each new day to rejoice in, to grow in my relationship with him and to be used for his glory.

Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. (Ephesians 5:2, ESV)

Late Night Blogging Sesh

First real blog post for 2011, no expectations and no ideals. I'm just going to be blogging from the heart, because that's what my blog is for.

I feel so happy to be starting anew again, but at the same time I feel completely lost.

I've known for a while that my life still goes on without the things I thought were really important to me and I'm glad that it does. The downside is that I'm still feeling pretty low, I turn 23 this year and I feel like life is beginning all over again for me this year.

I'm single for the fourth time in my life and there's only so much one girl's heart can take a breaking of before she feels like love has no chance of happening again. I keep thinking in my mind that if no one so far has committed to keeping me, then what is the chance of it ever happening? I feel like my heart is just something that means nothing and that it's okay to abuse it's love. How the heck do guys think it's okay to pull a girl through a long, meaningful relationship, only to drop it like it means nothing? That kind of crap just messes me up. I hate it.

When will a man ever treat me with respect and love me enough to not just say "yes, I want to spend the rest of my life with YOU", but to actually go through with it? I'm beginning to lose my hope in a life spent with a man that I can share love with and raising a family.

It's not fair, I have all this love in my heart and no significant other to share it with, without it being rejected. I feel like there's something incredibly wrong with me, that's so terrible that absolutely no one has the ability to see past it and love me.

Guys are jerkweeds, kick 'em in the groin.

2011 Expectations

As I welcome in the new year I have thought briefly about what this year will be for me and what it may bring. I never have put any expectations on this year, except for a few things I want to aim towards.

I aim to be true to myself, to be honest and to be loyal to the people that I hold close to my heart. I want to be passionate about God's love so much that it directs me and speaks through my everyday life. I want to be more real about my faith and not go at my walk with God half-hearted, I want to be committed whole-heartedly to my relationship with God. I already feel pretty blessed about where I am in life, living in Adelaide, being single and having my family and friends, I want to continue feeling joyful and thankful about those things.

Twenty eleven will be the year where I am continuing my journey in Youth Work, but it will also be my first year studying YW with Tabor Adelaide. I'm really excited about it and I'm really thankful that I have the chance to spend the next three years of my life studying the area that's on my heart.

I'm also excited about the new opportunities for friendships this year, whether it be at school or church or elsewhere. Not just that, but continuing to spend copious amounts of time with my current friends.

Something else I have planned for this year is to travel somewhere again, outside of Australia. I'll probably just go to to USA again and probably Canada, but only what matters most is if I'll be with my friends. I've had a dream for a long time that one year I'll be able to have a white Christmas and I hope this year I'll be able to experience that.

2011 I am here, hear me roar.