Survived my first week of lectures for my Youth Work degree, one down and another hundred or so to go. It was actually pretty good, I did feel a little overwhelmed at looking at all of the papers I will need to complete this semester but in all reality it won't be so bad because they are spread out. I guess they just look kind of daunting when I read them on my subject outlines, all crammed together. My eyes read three or four 1,000-2,000 word assignments and the instant thought I have in my head is "HOW AM I GOING TO DO ALL THIS?".
This next coming week is when we dive into the first of the topics we are looking into and have our first tutorial groups. To be honest, I'm feeling a little stressed and unprepared about it but I'm sure I'll come out of the last lecture I have, on Wednesday, and breathe a sigh of relief.
I've had a bit of a down couple of days. Still feeling like the hurt from things that happened over half a year ago and feeling hopeless and weak because I still hurt. I don't understand why it still hurts. Perhaps it's because I still have too many memories of the past, memories that once made me happy and that now make me sick to think about. I feel like it's this never ending pain, that even though I never want to go back there, I still feel this complete heart ache to relive those moments in time that once made me happy. I am spending more time with God and enjoying being around people I love but the pain always hangs around me like a small cloud I feel like I can never be rid of.
I want to get out of this crap hole I fell into.
I am worn out from my groaning. All night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. Psalm 6:6 NIV
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