Just Something Quick

Sorry about my up and down-ness of these past couple of months. Healing doesn't always mean that I'll have a 100% okay day every day. So sometimes I just have to deal with it and pray that God takes me through.

I just wanted to say quickly before I hop into bed that even though these next 12 months or less or so are going to hold lots of hard times and times where I want everything I desire just to fall at my feet I want to still have a healthy prayer life, it's so important to be continuous with my walk and talk with God everyday so that I might do His will. Even if that means I'm not involved in youth ministry just yet or unavailable to drive a car independently or being okay with my status of singleness. All of these things I think I am pretty okay with right now, I need time to grow in love, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control. These are the things I need in my life more.

By the way, if you are someone who reads this blog regularly or even once off, I wouldn't mind a comment or two (anonymously if you feel you need to, even), in fact I like them a lot! Reading them encourages me so and reminds me that there are people with loving words that would wrap me up everytime I need a hug.

Reckless Ride

Survived my first week of lectures for my Youth Work degree, one down and another hundred or so to go. It was actually pretty good, I did feel a little overwhelmed at looking at all of the papers I will need to complete this semester but in all reality it won't be so bad because they are spread out. I guess they just look kind of daunting when I read them on my subject outlines, all crammed together. My eyes read three or four 1,000-2,000 word assignments and the instant thought I have in my head is "HOW AM I GOING TO DO ALL THIS?".

This next coming week is when we dive into the first of the topics we are looking into and have our first tutorial groups. To be honest, I'm feeling a little stressed and unprepared about it but I'm sure I'll come out of the last lecture I have, on Wednesday, and breathe a sigh of relief.

I've had a bit of a down couple of days. Still feeling like the hurt from things that happened over half a year ago and feeling hopeless and weak because I still hurt. I don't understand why it still hurts. Perhaps it's because I still have too many memories of the past, memories that once made me happy and that now make me sick to think about. I feel like it's this never ending pain, that even though I never want to go back there, I still feel this complete heart ache to relive those moments in time that once made me happy. I am spending more time with God and enjoying being around people I love but the pain always hangs around me like a small cloud I feel like I can never be rid of.

I want to get out of this crap hole I fell into.

I am worn out from my groaning. All night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. Psalm 6:6 NIV

Thankful Tuesday

It seems I skipped last week, though technically I was busy with orientation for uni and then hanging out with people and doing more IRL stuff got in the way.

This week I am thankful for:
Hugs

It seems such a simple and small thing to give to someone but to someone that might be having a rough week or just generally feels a bit unloved it can mean a lot. I think I take hugs for granted, so sometimes I forget to hug people and then I regret it after because what would happen if they died the next day or I never saw them again because they move away or they decide that they don't want to talk to me anymore?

I miss getting hugs from certain people because they were the kind of people that I could stand and hug for ages and it not feel awkward or they just had the most perfect hugs because the way we fit.

I feel so silly at times when I feel like it's awkward hugging someone because I'm not sure how long we should hug before it gets weird and then it just ends up being an average hug because all I keep thinking in my mind is "OH this hug is amazing, I want to stay here forever. But I better break away before it gets too weird!". I hope I let go of this fear soon because I would like longer hugs, I feel like I don't get them enough.

Anyway, overall I think hugs are pretty amazing and they are possibly one of the greatest forms of comfort and I really like that people will give of them so much when I need a good old bear hug. I also enjoy hugging others to let them know I'm there for them and that God still loves them. I think they are such a really lovely blessing from God.

Is it enough?

Too many times, of recent and as of old, I've seen people putting too much reliance on the things of the world. Even people that claim to be Christian, you and I, rely on things so much and we don't realize it. We get up each day; we check our Facebook, email and other social networks online, we see our boyfriends, girlfriends or those people we spend time with everyday, we go to our job to get paid or study so we we have a purpose to our lives. But do we ever stop and think about what's more important in our lives?
Is checking your Facebook notifications more or less important than getting into reading on God's word...?
Is seeing our boyfriend, or girlfriend, more or less important than embracing God's love and trusting him...?
Is getting paid in money more or less important than giving of our time to God...?
What is more important, God or things of our daily lives? When do we stop and give the things of our lives over to God, praising him for these blessings to us?
Do we ever be thankful that we we have internet, that there is a safe roof over our heads, that there are a bunch or mass of people that care about us, or that we get the privileged of eating nutritious food or drinking clean water?

Do we ever stop relying on the things of the world and directing our eyes to the Lord, that GAVE us all these things? Since WHEN did all of these things become more important than God, so much that God's love becomes something we talk about only sometimes? WHY don't we remember that it is because of God's love that we have these things, if God's love should be that important and ENTIRELY significant as that, then why don't we remember and give thanks to him each day?

/rant

Just a lot of pent up anger I've had about crappy attitudes towards being a Christian, even my own. So much I forget that I have a love in my heart that was GIVEN to me of no expense except that a life was sacrificed so that I may know the magnitude of his love and have all of my crappy attitude problems paid for!

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.
- Ephesians 2:8-10 (ESV)

The Year of the Lord's Favor

This evening I had the honor of spending some fellowship time with some amazing people that I wish I could spend more time with. A lovely lady named Hannah shared some stuff on Isaiah 61, stuff that really resonated with me in my own heart. Verse 10 was particularly spoken about, God clothes us with garments of salvation and robes of righteousness. What I got from this is that even when I count my own self unworthy, God still thinks I am worthy enough to be saved from my own self. Did you get that? God thinks WE are worthy enough to be saved through Christ, who shed his blood on the cross for all of the sin in our lives. It seems such a cliche thing but it really isn't and it's something that shouldn't be taken for granted, as we so often do at times. God's love is a thousand times, an infinity times, beyond anything I could ever imagine, because he sacrificed to save my soul, your soul, their soul. Every one.
It just blows my mind and makes me want to love in explosive love at times.

Another thing that really hit me hard tonight is that God still needs to heal my brokenness. I think I've fooled myself and somehow put up a mask to tell myself and others that I am okay. I think I am okay in some parts and I know I'm growing in God, but my heart still feels weary every now and again because of a memory or a thought or seeing other people being completely happy and in love. But it's so hard for me to be vulnerable around people, when they ask me HOW are you going, how are you REALLY going. It makes me feel sick that I've gotten to this stage where I skip over the raw wounds of my broken life and just open up the really great parts of my life to others. If I have done that to you, I am sorry. I am sorry for not being as honest or open as I should be with you. I hope I find the strength I need through God to open up my heart a little bit more to people I love. Dammit, now I'm making myself cry.

Anyway, I hope and pray to be continuing in my healing so that every part of my life may be used for God's glory as described in chapter 61.

The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to bring good news to the poor;
he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim liberty to the captives,
and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;
to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor,
and the day of vengeance of our God;
to comfort all who mourn;
to grant to those who mourn in Zion—
to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;
that they may be called oaks of righteousness,
the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified.
- Isaiah 61:1-3 (ESV)

Thankful Saturday

It's World Nutella Day today, did you know that? Which also means that it's been a year and three days since I took a one way red eye flight from Adelaide to Brisbane.

All the memories I remember from World Nutella Day make me feel slightly depressed. But I want to be thankful and I guess what I want to be thankful for is that God brought me through 2010.

Words cannot express how much I am thankful from my heart for God being with me through every day in the roller coaster ride that was 2010. I think the best I can do is be thankful by this picture. It may not mean much to anyone, but to me it reminds me of a most amazing sunset, and I guess what I've learned through sunsets/sunrises is that no matter where you are in the world they are always there and they are always going to happen, even if you can't see them at times. In Hawaii I witnessed one of the most breath-taking sunsets and in Queensland they still took my breath away, as much as they do anywhere in Adelaide. God is like sunsets and sunrises, doesn't matter where you are or what you are doing, God is always there and he is constant. At times last year it felt like I was completely alone and that there was no hope, but God was still there and showed me that there was light at the end of the tunnel and there was peace at the end of a storm.

Silence

Over the past week and a bit God's been really convicting me to spend more time in silence, in pure silence. No computer, no phone, no music, just quiet and stillness.

Last night I spent several hours down at Secliff Beach playing with lights and long exposure on a friend's camera, but for a few minutes I walked towards the sea and stood ankle deep in the water. Gentle waves were coming in and breaking on the shore but I was amazed at how still everything seemed. I wanted to spend forever there, I would have spent a whole night there if it was possible.

I feel like I need more of that kind of silence in my life, where I just stop worrying about what's going on and spend however long I need to in silence and listen to God's heart. Too many times I think I have the expectation that I need to talk about my problems to God and that will just solve everything, but it doesn't work like that. I keep thinking it over and over in my head and I've realised that by doing that I put my own needs before God's needs, whinging did not get the Israelites to the land God had promised, it makes me selfish. He wants me to still my soul, to give all my burdens to him and to find what he wants for me, and what he wants to speak to me about, by being silent.

Come, behold the works of the LORD,
how he has brought desolations on the earth.
He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
he burns the chariots with fire.
"Be still, and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!"
The LORD of hosts is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
- Psalm 46:8-11, ESV